his emails...

hey i was reading the first email that Jason mailed to me and i came across this sentence.thought it is rather interesting as well as a remainder to him.
this is what he wrote.
"as for me...i hope u'll understand abt my football thingy...football is part of my life,even though i might not like 2 play football as much as b4, it's my livelihood n only source of income now...so i'll have to give alot of time to my club as well...otherwise they are gonna cut my pay!lolx...but on a serious note, i realli hope this will not in any way disrupt our relationship...i've seen my team mates do it b4, n i believe we can do it too...abt my relationship habits...i guess there's not much...just that i believe in doing little things 2gede sometimes...like spending sometime 2 realx at drinks, doing a little homework blah blah blah once in awhile, as it can help streghten relationship... perhaps we can try"

ahem...

you know...once in a while..this strong admiration of feeling so in love with Jason just ..erm..over covered me.and lately...i really like just looking at him.and becos of his ulcer on his tongue(poor thing..) he couldnt smile much.
and sometimes i think he look rather good when he is more solemn.;p
and his high cheekbones is so...i dunno..maybe all along i think so,but only came to realise that lately..that makes his face really..erm..haha..i dunno.
maybe it look alot better when he is more solemn or serious looking.

and..yea..on the down side...i dunno if im e only one feeling so.but sometimes...is it the more in love you fell with someone..the sense of insecurity could escalate as well?

below is quote from Jason's second email to me.
" just wanna let u know that having enter this probation, i have absolutely no regrets, as it signifies that i'm getting a precious chance from u....i hope u'll have no regrets too...let's hope that we can make it thru this journey hand in hand together...eh?"

third email.
"ya...ok...hey...know wat...i think email is a realli gd way for us to express our thoughts...ya? y not we'll use email to say wat ever we wanted to tell each other but can't open our mouth on...esp if i happen to make u unhappy over certain things,u can let me know here"

there are a few emails about him asking me to be free and let him know about any change of plans,becoz that silly boy is cracking his head to plan my 19th bday.when the night before my bday,we had already kissed.;p

next email replied when i first mailed him telling him i miss him.
"dearest ling...
hehe...i can't describe how good i feel now...i felt so good it's almost becoming cocky...lolx...because, i'm just so glad to see that, we are moving in the right direction... u know wat...i was so inspired after i read ur mail that, just now, for my match, i played so well that i almost wasn't myself. A soccer TV show host was in my team, and after my superlative performance bailed them out of an embarrassing defeat, he came up to me and say...hey mate, that was world class. This was how possessed i was. and it's all because of...you.
i always say i miss u not only because i realli do, but also coz i know 1 day u miss me as well.
i always say i love u not only because i realli meant it, but also because i'm sure u will one day too.
and i think the day has come...or at least realli close"

and the first time i called him to tell him i love him.well thats like doing something in an impulse..a sudden rush of blood to the head.and his reply....
"i remember i heard this saying, that in a courtship, when ur target guy/gal finally says "i love u" to u, it's not the end of the courtship, but the beginnning of something wonderful...u know wat,aft u called me n tell me that 3 letter magic word, i become spellbound...i bash gashing...so excited...i don't even know what to do next...

dear...remember how we started? u weren't even sure it was right thing to do... i felt as if i'm kinda "forcing" u into the relationship with the things i do...but, i always believed... that 1 day, u will love me...

however, dear, i wanna assure u that, saying that u love me hasn't bound urself into forever-ness. u haven't signed a contract to tie urself into a no-turning back relation with me....it was just u telling me how u felt...it's a emotional stuff...not contractual... we're not married...so i have no right to tie u down anyway... rest assure that this does not mean ani doom...but, think that, it signifies something beautiful..."

and when something very serious happened on our 4th month...and when i really wanna give up our relationship,he said..

"Ling,
i feel sad...
but to tell u the truth, i have never thought abt giving up...

u might already be getting tired of hearing this...

but I WILL FIGHT ON THIS BATTLE WITH YOU!

i know i can't brainwash u...but if i can help u slowly forgot him, n ease ur pain, i'll do it...

simply because,

I LOVE U

i have already tired so hard all along to help u...n it'll be a waste if we give it up half way...

we've only been together for only 4 mths...it's not long eh? we've still got 4 yrs at least to go...dun say u wanna give up now...coz i never do..."

hehe...till our first serious disagreement on the 7th month..

"when i feel that u think wrongly, i cannot take that n got angry...i've nv been so angry when i'm w u...but i've cool dwn,i hope u will too...Sorry for the blew up.

Love,
Big Pig"

now that WAS the LAST email i ever gotten from him...sigh..despite i have tried mailing him..saying simple things like i miss him and so..no replys.

you know...as hard as im trying to be strong and hopefully independent,but its a big struggle.coz inside im always feeling very scared on my own.and seeing that he is getting very busy,and should one day i gotten a job..our time will be so...little.

i kept telling myself that it is alright and yea,just keep moving on.
but again...i wish i can do something to stop time..or at least slow down time whenever we are together.

we dun get to date every other day like before,and each date comes very precious to me.at times..we only can meet once a week only.

maybe we cant do anything to change that..things come as it is and we gotta accept and fit to that.but..i will be really thankful for every small act he does..to show he did not forget what he said in the first place.
doing lil things together...i wouldnt mind a 5 min call,a short email and so.

today i realise...even though im happy to see him and spend that few hours with him before he went to work...i dunno if he catch that glimpse of saddness in my eyes.
yea..of coz that stupid boy wouldnt know why i keep like.."staring" at him la.

sigh..alot of times...alot of things..i wish it happened to me or i have them,i dun..no matter how hard i prayed for it.
jobs i like...things i like to have and do...pple i really like alot and so on.

so this time...no matter what..i just keep an open mind,dun wanna pray for its ownership and so on..
and to relate this to Jason..

i dun wanna pray that we will be together forever cos we cant outwit or outfight what time can do to us.but as long as we are together...i just...i dunno if i dare to hope and pray anymore..but i hope that..he hasnt forget and will not forget how and what he wanted in this relationship,as long as this love remains.

coz im really scare that...his committments with other things..will slowly take him away from me one day.

dun worry dear..im not crying,coz yea..im trying to be strong..on my own.:)

just take care and i miss u.